Dear friend,
It took me some time to write my first post on this blog since I am in Myanmar. Its not only due to a difficult internet connection but more because of the changed circumstances I experienced the last two weeks.
To explain a little more: I arrived here happy and well on the 3rd of November in a warm Yangon.
My monk friend U Agga came to welcome me and we spent quite some time together untill the 6th. On this day I went to meditate at the International Meditation Centre (IMC) in Yangon. There my meditation teacher was happily waiting for my arrival as I was the only meditator in the centre for the coming 8 days... On the 16th I left, with a calm, peaceful and happy feeling after a good meditation course due to the great care by the people of the IMC and the one on one discourses given by my teacher. The same day I met my monk friend again to have lunch with 2 befriended monks at the house of my supporter (in pali: kappiya) ma Thiri in Yangon.
The next day I would leave Yangon very early to get the bus to Mawlamyine and Pa Auk monastery. But the evening before my leave I felt a small lump in my breast. After calling a doctor in The Netherlands who is a family member of my monk friend, she gave me the advice to wait one month to see if the lump would change based on my experiences of the lump.
I decided to go to Pa Auk to wait there for the month to see if the lump would change.
In Pa Auk I was soon integrated also thanks to my supporter and friends there and the lovely nuns (in pali: sayalay) and yogi's (laypersons who meditate) whom I'd already met before or met now. My meditation went well and soon I felt at 'home'. After a week my teacher gave me the permission to start the procedure to become a Sayalay (nun). Because I wanted my friends U Agga and ma Thiri also at the ceremony I called them to ask whether and when they could come to Pa Auk. U Agga told me it was better to come back to Yangon as Thiri had heard about my health condition and arranged a meeting at a hospital. It was better to research this lump now before I became a Sayalay. Afterwards it would be much more difficult to travel since I won't handle, use and carry any money as a nun. Also seeing a male doctor is much more difficult as a nun.
So after spending 1 week in Pa Auk I went back and I was picked up by U Agga to stay with 20 other nuns and monks in a small monastery called Sakhangyi tawya, near Hlegu (north of Yangon). I assumed that the breast lump would be nothing serious - after seeing the doctor, undergoing mammography and other research. After all, the doctor had said it was 90% benign and 10% malignant and that the lump needed to be removed. I didn't expect a surgery! When the results came back from the biopsy it turned out to be worse than we hoped: in other words: the lump they removed was cancer.
The doctor who did the operation explained how the general procedure is of the treatment in Myanmar when breast cancer is diagnosed. These steps here are generally not so subtle, so we did research to find adjusted treatment. To take a good decision, a good diagnose is needed, at this point we were busy to obtain this. We went to different doctors and now we have better knowledge of the next steps. I had several tests to get a good diagnose and treatment plan. And it seems the cancer has not developed much but its not quite possible to test this fully in Myanmar so I made the decision to come back to The Netherlands for better treatment. Which will be next Tuesday.
In the meantime I am still in Hlegu and daily people come over to see me to support me in different ways. It's so special to see how friendly & committed people are here and how generous they are in time and attention. I'm learning a lot about this culture of giving because every day people come to give many things.
In addition, I like to explain about this giving (dana in pali). This can be financially, materially or meritoriously. From the teachings of the Buddha (Dhamma) helping or giving is seen as a great thing. Because of the law of karma, (the law of cause and effect from intentions and actions you performed. If you act from a pure thought or feeling it's impossible that these things won't return to you in one way or the other. To purify oneself by walking the path of the Buddha is one of my main reasons why I came here. When you are aware of your thoughts you can distinguish acts coming from a pure mind from acts coming from impurities. So from an impure mind come bad actions and wrong deeds as from a pure mind come good actions and good deeds, and this will also come back - the law of cause and effect. People told me several times that apparently I have good karma because I receive so much help and support both here and from my friends from the Netherlands and other countries. This experience of this support is indescribable and feels very healing.
From pyjama trousers to a whole robe (nuns attire) from food to expensive sweets, medicine or the costs of the operation and several doctor's visits, these all are donated by others. Even passportphotos were given to me. Not to forget all the loving kindness, care and attention which I receive each day. As a Western girl I am not used to this giving-culture. its quite a challenge to receive such support, big or small, because here it is not the intention to return things or money out of guilt or unease. But to give with a pure heart. Sometime a thought of something come to my mind when talking or thinking of a person. Then I know I need to give this person this thing. This feels for me as the right kind of giving. In the meantime U Agga donated me the costs of the operation which makes me feel very happy (which is a understatement because he means much for me in different ways).
I feel well and am now taking a different diet as advised by my meditation-teacher (whom I met last year in Pa Auk). He explained that breast cancer can develop because of wrong nutrition and restless mind. The body is like a car which can breakdown if we don't take care of it.
This week we met a well-known Burmese doctor/healthexpert who indicated that my breast cancer probably developed in the last 6 months. Hmm, well, you are the beginning of your wellbeing... And yes, in the last weeks before leaving The Netherlands I have experienced a lot of stress and my diet was less healthy than the previous years. To take care of yourself means taking care of enough rest, nutrition, but also: creating circumstances in which these can be met. And this is something I didn't do, so I am learning a though lesson, luckily under calm and loving circumstances.
Since coming to Myanmar I feel calm, happy and relaxed. I don't feel fear or panic. My only worries after the results were: how to tell my family and friends and how to deal with the financial side of this. As I gave up my old life and donated almost all my assets to other people and not foreseeing this challenge I haven't the resources to pay all the medical bill's myself. The only thing I can do is stay calm, keep you updated, accept all support and make decisions which feels good and makes me happy. Chemotherapy for instance would not be my first choice if breast cancer can be treated differently.
All love and support I experience as very positive and makes me very happy.
Hoping to receive this continuously, mails can be send to my mailaddress carolinegrijsen at gmail dot com. I am able to read them as long as I am in Sankhangyi until Monday. Although I wont be able to respond all mails immediately. For other support you can mail my supporter Krista at kvanvelzen at gmail dot com.
With lots of love,
Caroline
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