Transformation of Caroline to Sayalay Daw Dayāpannatheri

Dag lieve vriend,

Het is alweer lente. De zon is er weer, de aarde wordt groen en de warmte neemt toe. Heerlijk!
Inmiddels hebben heel wat ontwikkelingen plaatsgevonden in mijn leven.
De kanker bleek gelukkig niet uitgezaaid te zijn, mijn lymfen die ze eruit hadden gehaald waren schoon. JIPPIE!!
Daarnaast heeft het ziekenhuis een nieuw onderzoek gedaan op de tumor die nu wel positief bleek te reageren op hormonen en HER2Neu (een eiwit dat de borstkanker aggressiever maakt).
Dus nu was er hormoontherapie & immunotherapie voor mij beschikbaar.
De laatste therapie krijg ik niet omdat ik ook geen chemo neem. En heb ik samen met de oncoloog besloten mijn eierstokken te laten verwijderen zodat er minder hormomen beschikbaar zijn in mijn lijf. Daarnaast begin ik met hormoontherapie, maar waarschijnlijk zal ik bij vertrek deze stopzetten omdat de medicijnen lastig te krijgen zijn in Myanmar (laat staan de financiering ervan voor 10 jaar!).

Zelf heb ik ook een serieus verzoek gedaan om de andere borst te laten afzetten. Mede doordat kanker daarin terug kan komen (en die stress wil ik voorkomen) maar ook omdat mijn lichaam nu uit balans is. De oncoloog heeft daar akkoord voor gegeven. Morgen word ik opnieuw geopereerd waarin beide ingrepen worden verricht.
Daarna weer herstellen en dan ga ik op 19 juni weer terug naar Myanmar.

In de tussentijd heb ik nog 10 dagen in Drente kunnen mediteren. Dat was ontzettend fijn. 
Ik hou je op de hoogte...

Heel veel liefs,
Caroline

Dear friend,

Spring is coming, sun is coming out, everything is turning green and the earth heats up...  Nice!!
In the meantime new developments came into my life.
Luckily, the cancer wasn't spread, sentinel nodes they took out were clean. JIHOE!
And in the hospital they have done a new research on the tumor which seemed not reacting on hormones or her2NEU and it turned out it did now. So they gave me more option for treatment. Thats why I can get hormone therapy & immunotherapie. The last was only available with chemo, and because I don't take chemo the oncologist suggested to take out the ovaries. I agreed on this, afterwards I need to take hormone medicine for 10 years (!).
But because I will return to Myanmar I don't know if I can take this medicine there too... (without taking in notice the financial side of paying these medicine for 10 years).

Later on I requested my oncologist to also remove my other breast. Cancer could return there (and I don't want to have doubts about it), but also because my body is not in balance now.
Tommorrow I will be operated again for both medical issues (breast & ovaries). Afterwards recovering and I already booked a ticket to return to Myanmar on the 19th of June!!

In the meantime I have sat a 10 day meditation course in Drenthe, which was very relaxing & helpfull in my process. I will keep up posted later on...

Lots of love,
Caroline

Caroline in The Netherlands, part 2

Dear friend (Dutch below and also a film & some pictures!),

Its been sometime you heard from me. In the meantime I want to inform you about the operation and other things.
On the 13th of January I will be operated to have my breast removed. The day before I have to be in the hospital for an injection for sentinel node procedure that they will perform in the same operation the day after. Need to stay in the hospital for 1 night, hopefully going home the next day. Seven days after the operation it will be clear if the cancer cells has spread to the sentinel node or not. Unfortunately other therapies are not helping with my type of breast cancer (which is a triple negative, grade 3). Probably they would give me chemo (for prevention). If it seems to be spread to the sentinel node than there will be probably more research. Or maybe even one more operation to clear my armpit from all nodes. But... this is maybe future and not reality.

After moving several times from one friends house to another (thank you all!), I am currently staying with a friend (super thanks!). Here I will recover from the operation which will take approximately six weeks.

In the meantime I made a rest-, mediation, nutrition plan, no more sugar, dairy & carbons for me.

If you want to see me, great! But maybe not always possible, please call me to see if we can arrange an appointment.

The path I was walking has changed because of cancer. And I came back to the Netherlands to overcome this (and also other things :-) ). But my choice to meditate in Myanmar and ordain in a monastery to become a nun is not changed at all.
To be back in Holland without a house and income can make things sometimes difficult, but  to receive all the love, care, support & generosity from friends, family, acquaintances and strangers gives me trust and make me so thankful. It gives strength to walk on in happiness, trust & positivity.

Then a question: if somebody knows something about cannabis oil because of own experience or surrounding, would you like to share it with me?

Big hug,
from a happy Caroline

'There is no way to happiness - happiness is the way'
(Siddharta Gotama Buddha)

Dag lieve vriend(in),

Het is alweer even geleden dat ik iets van mij liet horen. Inmiddels weet ik meer over de operatie en andere zaken.
Op dit moment weet ik dat 13e geopereerd wordt, al moet ik mij de dag ervoor al melden om injectie in mijn borst te krijgen voor een klieronderzoek. Zoals eerder al gezegd heb ik besloten voor een afzetting van mijn rechterborst, ik ben er namelijk niet zeker van dat alle kankercellen weg zijn. Ik zal een nachtje in het Haga ziekenhuis blijven. Hopelijk mag ik de dag erna weer naar huis.
In dezelfde operatie wordt een klieronderzoek gedaan. Na 7 dagen weten ze dan ook of er uitzaaiingen zijn in mijn lymfen. Helaas heb ik een type borstkanker (triple negative, graad 3) die niet behandelbaar is met andere therapieën. Dus daarna zou ik hoogstwaarschijnlijk alleen chemo krijgen (ter preventie). Mocht het zijn uitgezaaid in mijn lymfen zijn er mogelijk nog meer onderzoeken nodig. Of misschien een operatie om de hele oksel kliervrij te maken. Maar dat is misschien toekomst en niet de werkelijkheid.

Na een aantal keer van huis veranderd te zijn, wat verschillende vrienden mogelijk maakte (dank jullie wel!), ben ik bij een vriend (ook superbedankt!) in Den Haag. Hier zal ik herstellen na de operatie, wat ongeveer 6 weken in beslag gaat nemen.

Ik heb voor mijzelf een rust-, meditatie- & voedingsplan opgesteld. Als je wilt afspreken vind ik dat leuk, alleen is het niet altijd mogelijk. Je mag mij bellen en dan kunnen we een afspraak maken.

De weg die ik aan het bewandelen was is anders gaan lopen. Ik ben naar NL teruggekomen om de kanker te overwinnen (en ook andere dingen ;-) ), maar mijn keuze om in  Myanmar te mediteren en in te treden in een klooster als non is nog steeds levendig aanwezig.
Om zonder huis en inkomen hier in Nederland te zijn is soms lastig, maar om zoveel liefde, zorg, steun en vrijgevigheid van vrienden, familie, bekenden en ook onbekenden te ontvangen geeft zoveel vertrouwen en ben ik daar heel dankbaar om. Dat geeft een mens kracht om met vrolijkheid, positiviteit en vertrouwen verder te gaan!

Nog een vraag: Mocht iemand iets weten van cannabisolie uit zijn eigen ervaring of omgeving dan hoor ik dat
heel graag!

Een dikke knuffel,
van een blije Caroline

'There is no way to happiness - happiness is the way'
(Siddharta Gotama Buddha)


Hieronder nog een filmpje (op weg naar het klooster), en foto's van de tijd dat ik in het klooster in Sakhangyi zat, waar ik enorm goed ben opgevangen door de abt en zijn gevolg en ook wat foto's na mijn operatie. De laatste foto is het afscheid op het vliegveld van de abt van Sakhangyi (Sayadaw).

 

Caroline visits The Netherlands

Dear friend,

It took me some time to write my first post on this blog since I am in Myanmar. Its not only due to a difficult internet connection but more because of the changed circumstances I experienced the last two weeks.

To explain a little more: I arrived here happy and well on the 3rd of November in a warm Yangon.
My monk friend U Agga came to welcome me and we spent quite some time together untill the 6th. On this day I went to meditate at the International Meditation Centre (IMC) in Yangon. There my meditation teacher was happily waiting for my arrival as I was the only meditator in the centre for the coming 8 days... On the 16th I left, with a calm, peaceful and happy feeling after a good meditation course due to the great care by the people of the IMC and the one on one discourses given by my teacher. The same day I met my monk friend again to have lunch with 2 befriended monks at the house of my supporter (in pali: kappiya) ma Thiri in Yangon.
The next day I would leave Yangon very early to get the bus to Mawlamyine and Pa Auk monastery. But the evening before my leave I felt a small lump in my breast. After calling a doctor in The Netherlands who is a family member of my monk friend, she gave me the advice to wait one month to see if the lump would change based on my experiences of the lump.
I decided to go to Pa Auk to wait there for the month to see if the lump would change. In Pa Auk I was soon integrated also thanks to my supporter and friends there and the lovely nuns (in pali: sayalay) and yogi's (laypersons who meditate) whom I'd already met before or met now. My meditation went well and soon I felt at 'home'. After a week my teacher gave me the permission to start the procedure to become a Sayalay (nun). Because I wanted my friends U Agga and ma Thiri also at the ceremony I called them to ask whether and when they could come to Pa Auk. U Agga told me it was better to come back to Yangon as Thiri had heard about my health condition and arranged a meeting at a hospital. It was better to research this lump now before I became a Sayalay. Afterwards it would be much more difficult to travel since I won't handle, use and carry any money as a nun. Also seeing a male doctor is much more difficult as a nun.

So after spending 1 week in Pa Auk I went back and I was picked up by U Agga to stay with 20 other nuns and monks in a small monastery called Sakhangyi tawya, near Hlegu (north of Yangon). I assumed that the breast lump would be nothing serious - after seeing the doctor, undergoing mammography and other research. After all, the doctor had said it was 90% benign and 10% malignant and that the lump needed to be removed. I didn't expect a surgery! When the results came back from the biopsy it turned out to be worse than we hoped: in other words: the lump they removed was cancer. The doctor who did the operation explained how the general procedure is of the treatment in Myanmar when breast cancer is diagnosed. These steps here are generally not so subtle, so we did research to find adjusted treatment. To take a good decision, a good diagnose is needed, at this point we were busy to obtain this. We went to different doctors and now we have better knowledge of the next steps. I had several tests to get a good diagnose and treatment plan. And it seems the cancer has not developed much but its not quite possible to test this fully in Myanmar so I made the decision to come back to The Netherlands for better treatment. Which will be next Tuesday.

 In the meantime I am still in Hlegu and daily people come over to see me to support me in different ways. It's so special to see how friendly & committed people are here and how generous they are in time and attention. I'm learning a lot about this culture of giving because every day people come to give many things.

In addition, I like to explain about this giving (dana in pali). This can be financially, materially or meritoriously. From the teachings of the Buddha (Dhamma) helping or giving is seen as a great thing. Because of the law of karma, (the law of cause and effect from intentions and actions you performed. If you act from a pure thought or feeling it's impossible that these things won't return to you in one way or the other. To purify oneself by walking the path of the Buddha is one of my main reasons why I came here. When you are aware of your thoughts you can distinguish acts coming from a pure mind from acts coming from impurities. So from an impure mind come bad actions and wrong deeds as from a pure mind come good actions and good deeds, and this will also come back - the law of cause and effect. People told me several times that apparently I have good karma because I receive so much help and support both here and from my friends from the Netherlands and other countries. This experience of this support is indescribable and feels very healing.
 From pyjama trousers to a whole robe (nuns attire) from food to expensive sweets, medicine or the costs of the operation and several doctor's visits, these all are donated by others. Even passportphotos were given to me. Not to forget all the loving kindness, care and attention which I receive each day. As a Western girl I am not used to this giving-culture. its quite a challenge to receive such support, big or small, because here it is not the intention to return things or money out of guilt or unease. But to give with a pure heart. Sometime a thought of something come to my mind when talking or thinking of a person. Then I know I need to give this person this thing. This feels for me as the right kind of giving. In the meantime U Agga donated me the costs of the operation which makes me feel very happy (which is a understatement because he means much for me in different ways).

I feel well and am now taking a different diet as advised by my meditation-teacher (whom I met last year in Pa Auk). He explained that breast cancer can develop because of wrong nutrition and restless mind. The body is like a car which can breakdown if we don't take care of it. This week we met a well-known Burmese doctor/healthexpert who indicated that my breast cancer probably developed in the last 6 months. Hmm, well, you are the beginning of your wellbeing... And yes, in the last weeks before leaving The Netherlands I have experienced a lot of stress and my diet was less healthy than the previous years. To take care of yourself means taking care of enough rest, nutrition, but also: creating circumstances in which these can be met. And this is something I didn't do, so I am learning a though lesson, luckily under calm and loving circumstances. Since coming to Myanmar I feel calm, happy and relaxed. I don't feel fear or panic. My only worries after the results were: how to tell my family and friends and how to deal with the financial side of this. As I gave up my old life and donated almost all my assets to other people and not foreseeing this challenge I haven't the resources to pay all the medical bill's myself. The only thing I can do is stay calm, keep you updated, accept all support and make decisions which feels good and makes me happy. Chemotherapy for instance would not be my first choice if breast cancer can be treated differently. All love and support I experience as very positive and makes me very happy.

Hoping to receive this continuously, mails can be send to my mailaddress carolinegrijsen at gmail dot com. I am able to read them as long as I am in Sankhangyi until Monday. Although I wont be able to respond all mails immediately. For other support you can mail my supporter Krista at kvanvelzen at gmail dot com.

With lots of love,
Caroline

In Yangon

Dear friends, Today 9.30am local time here in Yangon ( 5 1/2 hours later than in The Netherlands), I have arrived save in a 27 degree climate. Perfect for someone who doesn't like cold! Still tired of travelling, but happy & full of the warm, loving goodbye on the airport. I'll carry it with me in my heart!
 Yesterday after I dropped my luggage at the hostel, me and my friend U Agga went to the Schwedagon Pagoda to meditate. It was great although I felt almost in sleep... hihi hopefully it will be better today since I had a good night rest. Keep you posted!

A new journey

On the 2th of November I will leave The Netherlands to start a new journey in Myanmar.
As you might know I am going to spend infinite time in Pa Auk Forest monastery to meditate.
On the 3th I will arrive in Yangon where my friend and monk U Aggawuntha will welcome me. Untill thel 17th of November I will stay in Yangon.... not to party or for shopping ;-)
Because on the 6th of November untill the 16th I will sit a 10 day Vipassana course at the International Meditation Centre.
Afterwards I will meet up with my supporter Thiri and my friend U Agga once again to eat together. And on the 17th of November I will travel for a day to Pa Auk Forest Monastery in the neighbourhood of Mawlamyine.


Vipassana meditation
 
The meditation I will follow is called Vipassana. Vipassana means seeing as it is and not how you want it to be.
Vipassana meditation is a modern Theravada practice. For more information about this meditation see Vipassana (NL) or Vipassana (EN).
In Pa Auk Forest monastery the teachings are slightly different than the teachings I learned from my teachers S.N. Goenka and U Ba Khin.

In the picture you will find a schedule of my daily details of the day which isevery day the same except for holidays.
As a layperson I first take eight precepts on.
 
These are:
1) Abstain from killing living beings,  
2) Abstain from stealing, or taking what is not mine
3) Abstain from impropriate language (lying included), 
4) Abstain from sexual misconduct (celibacy),
5) Abstain  from taking drugs, alcohol or other intoxicans,
6) Abstain from taking food after 12:00am,  
7) Abstain from dancing, listening to music, singing and all kinds of
    bodily adornment, 
8) Refraining from sleeping on high luxurious beds.
As soon as I am ordained as a nun I take also the precept to abstain from handling, using or possessing money. Krista, my kappiya in the Netherlands, and three women in Myanmar will support me in maintaining these precepts by supporting me with organizational matters and handling money or save money from people whom like to support me. They can donate to these women so they can buy supplies , tickets or other needed stuff for me.

The address of the monastery:

Meditation in Pa Auk Forest Monastery, 
c / - Major U Sain Khan (Rtd)
653 Lower Main Road
Mawlamyine, Mon State,
Myanmar


More information on this monastery see here.
You can send me packages or postcards/letters. Although the post is slow and might not arrive... but I have heard from a German nun that she received packages from her sister in Germany serval times...

NB as soon as I am ordained as a nun I will become a new name. It is wise to refer to this name on any post you migth want to send me. Ofcourse I will let you know my new name!

How will daily life will be in Pa Auk Forest Monastery?

Since I only have nine days of experience as a layperson in this monastery my experience is little how daily life exactly will be. So this information will probably change during the time I spend there ;-)

Everyone can come to this monastery and meditate here. As long as you maintain the 8 precepts and you are serious in meditation with a minimum of three days. You will get a place to stay and the food you will become is donated. You will be following the given time-table. At anytime you can ordain here as monk or nun (with a minimum of at least 7 days).

Things like food, health care and practical utensils for meditation are donated to the monastery.
It is a Buddhistic way of life that if one can not lead a life as a monk or nun or make time to meditate as a layperson, people like to donate money, food or other items to support those who can.

The monastery is divided into three sections: 
Lower monastery: here stay nuns / women, middle monastery: here stay monks who have broken certain precepts and come here for reflection, and then upper monastery: here stay monks / men. Each section has its own houses (in Pali: kuti's) and meditation building. There's a big kitchen in lower-monaster, here the food is prepared for all the people in the monastery twice a day.


Here you can find some experiences of a German nun. 
And here you can find a video from a retreat in Pa Auk monastery in Mandalay.

Communication
 
The internet connection in Myanmar is not very good. Often very slow. There is no network in the monastery, but within a 20-minute walk there is a internet cafe. How often I can access the internet I have to find out as soons as I arrive... Phonecalls are also not easy to make, as there is a different network than the western GSM network. 
Because of this I will keep for the time being my Facebook, Skype (pino_lives), gmail account (carolinegrijsen@gmail.com) and Viber.
For urgent matters and financial bussiness my supporter Krista (in Pali: kappiya) will be in charge.
She takes care of things I can not or should not do (including my finances). When I will be in need of something like medicine or a ticket (in case I need to return...) she will arrange it for me. Also she will keep me posted of important mail / news when I will be in meditation for a longer time.   

Before I will ordain I hope to read my mail on a regular bases... but it can be that I cannot respond within days (or maybe weeks)...

I wish you lots of happiness! <3

On my way back from Pa Auk Forest Monastery to Yangon in 2013